Highs and low of feeling mediocre

Firstly, let me start by saying thank you to everyone who is liking the blog posts and subscribing to them. It’s nice to know that you’re being read.

As I have mentioned before, I’m not an expert on selling artwork, nor will I be someone to follow on how to become better in your art business. These blogs, apart from primarily being about my work, also focus on sharing my experiences to assist others who, like me, find themselves in that middle-of-nowhere region in the arts. We’re the introverts who feel the lows more strongly, and where the highs are simple successes that keep us going, even though we still have big dreams of one day making a living out of our art.

Recently, I took a major step in how I will be managing my artwork. After years of trying and a constant battle against myself, where I produce something and within days I am hating my work because I believe I can do better, I decided that my attitude towards my own work is not conducive to ever finding a marketplace for them.

Being your own worst critic, as most of us artists are, is both good and bad. For some, it is the perfect mix as they can manage themselves and work past their doubts to sell themselves. In doing so, they build their confidence, and their work starts to reflect that confidence, propelling them forward. But then there are those like me. Being your worst critic, you put your work to one side, shelving it, and no work is ever good enough to be put up for sale, exhibited, or put out there. We might put our work online through social media and even submit it to sites like I do in the print on demand, but it’s not the same as finding a place in the market. Being too critical can be soul-destroying, and if, like me, you already suffer from issues that have led to a loss of confidence in most things, then the results will never be positive.

I was lucky. Last year, I suffered a major setback which, on a personal level—setting aside art—led me to requiring counseling and guidance which has put me on a road to recovery in mental health. I won’t go into the details, but it made me realize some things in my own life which today are providing some positive results into where I am going and where hopefully I might end up. I live for today. That is the first thing which is important. Today is today, and tomorrow is at a distance and is not really of importance, whilst yesterday was a success. No matter what happened the previous day, no matter how good or bad it might have been, no matter anything, just being here today is enough, and that keeps a sense of sanity which is important.

The process of counseling and guidance I received helped me put the brakes on my life, in every aspect, and take stock of everything around me. The first step was to admit that you need help and to find those pillars in your life which you can lean on once in a while and will keep you upright.

That was when I reconsidered the whole aspect of me and my art. You see, for me, even during the many years I did not practice my arts, I was still an artist. My whole life since young has been geared towards reaching a particular dream. I construct and deconstruct in my head, I draw, paint, and sculpt in my head, I build and create in my head, even when I’m not physically doing something. Everything and anything I do has always been geared in one direction. I am not the most learned in the arts, probably one of the artists who least goes to exhibitions, but catch me online, and I’m looking at others’ works, reading on things, watching videos, learning new techniques, seeing new ideas, creating my own.

Lately, during the past years, I have picked up the pencils and brushes and even the carving tools to create more and more pieces. Now I merge my media, from traditional to digital, and don’t differentiate between them as what I look for is the creation of something.

But, and this is the big BUT, I pull back when it comes to the important side of the arts when your wish is to try and one day end up making a living from them. I just don’t do it, too scared, not ready, not wishing to show my work because you don’t like it anymore. All the excuses are there. But the process I was going through in my life allowed me to reassess myself.

I had set my bar high; it was my own bar, and it still is, but even in my eyes I was nowhere near, but others around me believed in me and liked what I was doing, even if I didn’t, and even don’t.

So I had to let go and raise the white flag and say to myself you are not going to make it if you live it to yourself to do it.

So just a few months ago, after some discussion and prodding, I handed control of all my artwork to the one person I trust the most and who had been the biggest of the pillars I have leaned on in recent months, my son.

We agreed on how we would proceed and how we would build around my work and build a sort of “family” scene which will include my youngest daughter too. After all, my aim had always been to leave behind a legacy for them, and instead of waiting until the day I am dead, I decided it was the same leaving it as it was starting it now.

How this will eventually work out and what the results will be we will know in months, even years, to come, but it already has played a major role in releasing some of the stresses and negativities which have in the past made me step away from the arts and wanting to give up because I was going nowhere with them.

A more focused approach, someone who from time to time gives you that slap you need (not physically, of course, metaphorically speaking only) which snaps you away from your down periods. A person who can at times bring a realistic approach and a realistic sense to things which builds you.

A great example happened yesterday, well it actually goes back three weeks but.

I entered a piece into an exhibition competition. The objective was not to enter to compete but to enter and put one of my pieces on show. After the past years’ experience, merely doing this was a hurdle jumped.

It would also require me to attend a presentation as one of the guests, placing me among other artists and seeing people’s reactions to my work, good or bad, whatever that might have been.

That was to happen last night. The end result was that I did manage to go to the exhibition, with my son, and I did manage to see my work on a wall among others. Yes, you guessed it, I hated every second of it because I left there disappointed with myself, wondering why I had chosen that piece or even done it, and not happy at all with myself. It was one of those “I give up” moments.

Yet, because my decision had been that from now on once the work is done it is up to someone else on what to do with it, I had to listen to the other voice, the sensible voice of my son. He had a totally different view from me, a totally different perspective, and possibly a better one than me, as the next morning I received a message that there was interest in my art. Had it been me, that piece would have been taken down and shelved. Now I am looking at the potential that it might have a new owner, someone who actually likes it and admires it enough to purchase it. It really does not matter whether it’s one pound or a trillion; it’s the fact someone values it that matters.

So my lesson was that what I required was not to change who I was or how I do my work, but how I manage what makes me tick to produce my work to also fit into the other side of things I need. And the answer in my case was to find help, get support from others, and ask them to do for me what I could not do for myself.

Yes, it’s more than a question of the arts; it is actually a question of life. We walk alone, at least that is how it sometimes feels, and we actually do. But we are not alone; none of us are. It sometimes feels you are because there are many around you who have no positive influence or meaning in your life and are just crowding out those who do have positive influence and meaning in your life. Pushing those who should not be so close to one side and bringing those with a positive influence closer will help you clear a pathway.

And it’s not just in life, but in the arts. Even if you do not believe in yourself, let others who do believe in you be part of what you do. Adding positives to what you do can only generate positives which will influence your work and can only make you better.

The highs and lows of artists will be many, but when there are few highs and many lows, allowing those who can bring small highs into your life and artistic path is not something we should ignore; it’s something we should embrace.

And yes, don’t worry, tomorrow I will probably hate my work again, but in my case, I have made sure I don’t decide next.